I paced back and forth down the Religion aisle in Barnes and Noble. Eyes and nose red, dried snot above my lip and tears still rolling down my cheeks. I didn't care that everyone I passed stared at me or even followed me to the Spirituality aisle. I bet they were waiting for some kind of breakdown.
They were too late.
On my most recent quest to find myself I decided to start by redefining my faith.
I was Catholic by default as a child. Pentecostal Christian as a teen out of obligation. As an adult I considered myself agnostic out of laziness, for lack of a better word.
I ran my fingers across the binds of Bibles and Quar'ans. Titles like "Living Beautifully," "Peace is every step," and "Taking the Leap" made me double check that I wasn't in the Self Help Aisle.
I had no idea what I was looking for. Something to speak to me, something to stand out. Anything to make me feel better. There were an overwhelming amount of things going on in my life, too much for me to handle alone. It was time to believe in something. So my quest began, a competition to see what belief system could win my soul. I was a hard headed being so it was going to take some convincing. But I was an open book, for once, I wanted to believe.
Once I found a book that sparked my interest, I was pleasantly surprised at how fast I started to feel better. It wasn't so much about what I was reading, even though it really gave me hope. It was more about the fact that I was taking control of my life. Taking steps to feel better.
"Spiritual practice is more about holding questions than finding answers. Seeking one correct answer often comes from a wish to make life- which is basically fluid- into something certain and fixed." I completely related and really needed to hear that.
I got what I came for in just the first chapter of the first book I opened. An understanding that I was looking for something and that I knew I was worth taking time to figure it out. To research.
"Abandon negative emotion; create perfect virtue; subdue your own mind. This is the teaching of Buddha."
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